How I died inside

You brought me here, So I trusted you,

You showed me the dreams, beyond my view,

Enchanted and thrilled was I, Experiencing everything new,

And most importantly, to be a part of you.

When you yelled, that you never chose me,

I thought you were angry, those words never meant to be,

But unintentionally, you see,

those words were sinking, into me.

Everything i did, was to make you happy,

To feel the pride, to have had me,

Every sacrifice I made, Never scared me,

as my destination was the words that said, you were proud of me.

But when the time came, for you to show me,

The love and care, I thought was meant for me,

You cold bloodily, back stabbed me,

Killing my dreams, and the future I dreamed.

When I shouted and yelled, at the betrayal you did to me,

you said my dreams, which you once showed me,

were wrong and that , was the reason for this pain in me,

Because I will never, achieve the dreams I thought was meant to me.

You told me I was worthless, and a curse to anyone who have me,

You said I look hideous, in comparison to those beautiful maidens around me,

You said I was a shame, my talents, for a maiden was never meant to be.

You said I was a disgrace, for the first time I complains against your words for me.

But the the partner you found, in exchange to my dreams,

took time, but ultimately understood me,

and had to face , the pain and scars you gave to me,

But held my hand tight promising never to let go me.

My scars and bruises, I will never forget,

And you one day will live to regret,

For a beautiful creation you could have spawned,

But used her and saw only her flaws.

* inspired by a toxic parenting victim's diary write up.

A tiny little dew drop

I am a tiny little dew drop, on a leaf of the tree,

I was born on a cold night, when the sun was inside the sea.

Dark was it around, when I opened my eyes,

I waited for the sun to rise, to gawk at the world in its light.

I fought through the darkness and the chill it brought,

“It will pass anyhow, for the light to come in” I thought.

Every passing second, I spend that night in the cold,

Felt longer than an eternity, and chill so much to freeze my soul.

It was dark around, and nothing stood clear in my sight,

Just a few sparkles here and there, I could see in the white moonlight.

It seemed like hues of white, on a dark beautiful canvas,

Similar to a magical scenery, but with a nip of melancholy.

The moonlight touched me too, and I sparkled like the moon stone,

But no matter how unique I was, I felt being a part of a mourn.

There was sadness, darkness and chill with silence existing,

Regardless it beauty, the hope for the light in me was persisting.

Finally the time came, and came the first ray of light,

The yellow ribbon of sparkles was much more magical than the moonlight.

The melancholy changed to an emotion of glee,

The chirping of birds and there was happiness in everything I see.

The dark canvas was filled with colours,

So much of them that to count them, would take me hours.

A slight warm breeze took the chill away,

Shaking the tree and the leaf I lay.

I slipped through its tip and on the ground I fell,

Not sparing a moment, inside the ground I went.

It was at that moment of time, was something I realised,

I was meant for the darkness and not for the light.

I was the tear drop of the gloom that spread through the night,

I wasn’t meant for the glee that prevailed in the day with its light.

 I exist in gloom and I cease to subsist in glee,

I am a tiny dew drop, and this was a story about me.

Truly mine!

I stood there alone in the beautiful night sky,

Among the stars twinkling their gleaming lights,

Wishing to be loved for once in my entire life,

For I have been alone till now since the beginning of time.

I shown myself as a bright ball in white,

And touched everything with my icy cold light,

Trying to feel the warmth residing in them all,

The warmth of love was what I was searching for.

From the waves that charged to embrace the shore,

To the winds that kissed the trees some more,

Love brimmed everywhere to everyone I saw,

Only I didn’t feel the warmth of love at all.

My reflection in the waters seed romance in the air,

And I sense the warmth two lover souls share,

I beam brightly, to be a part of their longing affair,

Because I know how it feels when the feeling is not there.

As I forgot myself in my thoughts of despair,

A soothing warmth, I felt from somewhere,

Surprised and glee I turned around to see,

A humongous cloud was then embracing me.

The feeling was beautiful or even beyond may be,

I wonder why all this while I didn’t see,

Even while I searched both the land and sea,

This cloud has always been there beside me.

I looked into his eyes, searching feelings as mine,

And he looked at me, with the most beautiful smile,

Enchanting was it or dreaming was I?

I was more than glad I found someone truly mine.

Love

Like sorrow and glee, love is a feel,

It has its ups and downs,

But different from other, emotions of all,

It’s different from one to another.

The ones in your dream and books that you read,

May not be the one you feel,

It’s confusing at times, and painful a while,

But the feeling in you, never die.

You might fight with the one, and fume like the sun,

And think you hate them so much,

But when you move on and fumes are all gone,

You would love them even more.

From person to person, from bond to bond,

Love differs in all its form,

Parental love and Godly love,

Are just the two of the forms.

Love in women, are so different from men,

Where men never believe to show,

While love in men, are so different from women,

Where women keep expecting more.

Though all the love is pure in its form,

It all emits from one’s heart alone,

But the love between two lover souls,

Are the most vibrant of all.

The phases of love are different too,

In spite of the age one’s in,

From coyness to smile, and gaze to ‘HI!”

To the times they are one from inside.

The love between a husband and wife,

Is the most magical to know,

Though they argue and fight, even on matters so light,

In the end a smile melts it all.

An emotion that keeps you happy and glee,

And makes you sad too at times,

Anger and fear has its roles too in here,

All together is called true love.

We are all loved in a form or another,

We should see it now or it’s never,

It’s confusing at times, as it’s not always smiles,

But the feeling of love is always there.

I wonder the reason, to why love is magic,

Of all the emotions good and bad,

But when all the feelings, come in together,

The magical love is in the air.

Lanterns of the night

When the sun goes down, and the lights are out,

From the shadows of the dark, creep the evils and the louts,

With nothing in vision, I crumbled in fear,

For anything could happen, from far or near.

As I veiled my head and shuddered in terror,

Small yellow lights twinkled there and here,

A zillion of them appeared and disappeared,

I gazed at them forgetting my fear.

‘Lanterns of night’ or ‘stars on the earth’

They spread their lights without any girth,

 Like jolly little bulbs they flew everywhere,

As if not a second they had to spare.

The fear in my heart had been washed away,

There was a touch of thrill and love in the air,

The darker the night the brighter they lit,

At times on me, they didn’t mind to sit.

Magical was it and romantic as well,

To add on to it there was this earthy smell,

The black blue velvety sky was above,

And in me was spawning desires of love.

Amidst these magical flying lights around,

And crickets and beetles making their sounds,

There was this full moon shining so bright,

Nothing was more romantic than this sight.

I wished he was there just right beside me,

Holding my hand and staring at me deep,

Whispering beautiful words of love,

Drifting away into our beautiful world.

I hugged myself wanting to be held,

A touch of his now would have made me melt,

I wanted to sit all glued to him,

Staring at this sky that was lit all dim.

A change to begin

We are born one day and would die on another,

Yet in the life we live, to be good we stutter,

We choose to be bad, we see in them pleasure,

Against anguish and pain, we chose money and leisure.

Our notions of empathy seems to have ceased to exist,

And our urges to help, now remains a mere gist,

Our sweet humble speeches have turned into yelps,

 Even Our babies are less humans, they act as whelps.

The harshness, the rudeness, the cruelty around,

The forcing, the hurting it seems to make us proud,

The agony, the pain and distress we see,

Are turning our tears into oceans and seas.

Among all the creations living on earth,

We humans are refined and intellect from birth,

Then why do we act as if devils have possessed,

Even though with all abilities we are blessed.

Why aren’t our abilities used for the good?

Why don’t we protect the animals in the woods?

Why can’t we bring smiles to our kind?

Why have our egotism made us blind?

Life can be more unpredictable as it can be,

If today we breathe, tomorrow our breath may cease,

Our smile this instant may in the next be a cry,

Yet choice to be harsh made me wonder why.

Is money or power our kind is seeking?

Greed and sadism has also been dominating,

But why don’t these people for once realise,

Its happiness they seek for nothing in compromise.

Killing and bloodshed can never make them happy,

Instead they will end up purely in agony,

It’s only good that can touch one’s heart,

Good and happiness, their lanes never part.

Do good, be good; think everything that’s good,

Happiness and peace will then remain where is should,

Every nook and corner of the world will smile,

Prosperity and happiness will begin to strive.

The entire world will not at once change,

This concept of good may be to them strange,

But a spark I suggest we can commence,

You and I can begin the difference.

                                                           

How i lived my dream

The sun was high and shining its light,

From among the trees it was out of my sight,

The heavy backpack I was carrying along,

Was denied gravity and so was testing my bones.

I had a stick with me to help me climb the slopes,

At times it took all my weight and raised my hopes,

A blend of joy and anxiety I felt abiding in me,

Helping me through all the obstacles I could imagine and see.

Chirping of the birds and smiling fresh pansies,

Running sounds of a creek were all from my fancies,

 I passed through a forest and a meadow I reached,

 To settle here, to my dream it was a breach.

Again I walked up those rocky slope trails,

Towards the peak of the mountain, without slowing my pace,

Finally I reached the spot that beckoned me all my life,

A small protrusion of land and above it was just the clear sky.

I rested my back pack and sat on the mud,

Inhaling in the air made me feel like a bud,

The freshness was deep and new to my lungs,

To add to the glory, here was this beautiful setting sun.

I quickly set my tent, as the night was coming,

A small fireplace I made, for heating and lighting,

I set it all up in a hurry for just a day I had,

To live my dream and cherish what I can.

When the night approached the scenery had changed,

There was this velvety night sky with sparkly diamonds attached,

In my dreams I saw this scenery a million times,

But none stood a chance in the one in front of my eyes.

I lay there relaxed on the bare muddy ground,

Gazing at these zillions of stars shining from beyond,

Though crickets and other insects tried breaking the silence,

The tune created was nothing but beyond perfection.

There was peace in the air and the perfect panorama to accolade,

Realizing this magical beauty, into sleep I slowly cascaded,

When I opened my eyes, I was lying in my bed,

‘Why am I here?’ I wondered in my head.

Soon enough I realized it was just my dream,

It wasn’t the first time I lived my fantasy in my sleep,

‘One day’ I thought as I relaxed myself in my head,

‘I will live my dream and wake up not on bed’.

Eternal love

I was sitting by the beach, gazing at the sea,

Watching the waves, run towards me,

With soft cold breeze, touching my face,

Playing with my curls and running away.

Dusk was the time and orange was the sky,

With shadows around, nothing felt more alive,

From one corner, the night crawled in,

And from the other, the day mixed in.

Magic in the air, while night and day paired,

I wonder why this magic, during the time they shared,

I realized it soon enough, a reason was there,

Their union in love was the magic in the air.

My thoughts took me to be one among the pair,

I felt their love touch me somewhere,

They wait for their beloved, every second of their lives,

And they embrace their love, when they unite.

For the hours and minutes of wait they do,

Their time in unity is pitiably few,

But still without a word of complain,

They wait for each other, deep in love like insane.

Their love started from the beginning of time,

I wonder how it flourished all this while,

Though decades and eras have passed away,

Not a nip of their feeling has slightly changed.

Extreme reveres are day and night,

Yet even though how do they not fight?

What makes them so deeply in love?

That even time could not bring a change in them.

The wait they do for each other in time,

Should be the reason, I slowly realize,

For they don’t have the time to complain and fight,

They embrace each other when they meet, every time.

How pure and earnest is this love I see,

I sense their love, spreading in me,

They loved each other from the beginning of time

And will continue to love for eternity in time.

An incomplete love

I am a ball of fire, living up in the sky.

I am called the sun, as I always shine.

I rise from the mountains and sets into the seas,

And throughout the day I touch all gazing me.

Since the time I remember, I did the same,

It was rising and setting and shining my rays.

But one day, it happened that she caught my eyes,

I was stunned and staring for the very first time.

In a green meadow of a garden I think,

I saw her stand there in red and pink,

Bright she looked, from the rest of the flowers

May be that’s why, she was isolated from other.

Her velvety red petals, with hues of pink,

I was at loss of words, and all I did was blink,

She smiled at me, with her head held high,

The feeling I had was, “That rose is mine!”

Every day I would, gawk at her smile,

With my rays I touch her, and watch her shine,

Nights were the time, I hated the most,

A second without her, made me feel lost.

But one day, as we exchanged our gaze,

We were disrupted by a cloud, turning gray,

I was shocked, stunned and angry at her,

Why wouldn’t she allow me to see my girl?

With thunders and lightning she screeched at me,

“ENOUGH OF HER, For once notice me!”

I was baffled and dazed for a second or so,

But then I declared “I love the rose more.”

With lifeless eyes, she stared at me,

In her eyes I could sense her agony,

Tears rolled as rain, from her inert eyes,

I felt her pain, but helpless was I.

For a second or so, I forgot my rose,

I touched her rain, to console her soul,

But as I touched her pained tear drops,

Like magic my rays were white no more.

Seven colours, appeared as a bow,

It showed my love, her agony and more,

My child, I thought this rainbow was,

I looked at the cloud but she was no more.

Flustered I turned back to my rainbow,

But to my shock, my child too was gone,

Back to my senses I searched for my rose,

But all I saw was her lifeless thorns.

I lost my child along with his mother,

And also my soul alongside my lover,

Lonely I felt deep down my heart,

But here I am, now doing my part.

A pained heart

I was a droplet of water living in the sea,

Frolicking through the waves passing me,

Blushing at the cold breeze that scuttle away,

Giggling every time it touches me.

I swam with the fishes and jumped with the dolphins,

Plunging myself deeper into the sea,

But every time, the waters pushed me back,

Murmuring, about my destiny.

I was the smallest it seems, the lightest in the team,

So they said I was not meant for the deep,

But for the sky, I was told to fly

And was destined to reach new heights.

Confused was I and wondering why,

Was I treated so very differently?

For I too was a droplet, a water droplet,

Then why was I meant for the sky?

Confused and in pain, I looked up in vain

To be astound by my new sight,

There was this blue space, spread in my gaze,

Bigger than anything I saw my whole life.

From the corner of my sight, something bright caught my eye

And I saw him there for the first time,

My yellow ball of fire, shining brightly as ever,

Filling me with feelings of love and desire.

I forgot my world, the confusion and the hurt,

Only he stood bright in my eyes,

For the very first time, I felt this was a sign,

And wanted to make him all mine.

As an answer to my prayers, I was engulfed in heat layers,

And suddenly I felt being light,

I was rising from the waters, to where my heart desires,

I was changing my form to pure white.

I was closer to him now, flying in this new form,

I could just gape at him all the while,

I gawked at him from very close by,

And waited for him during the nights.

But all of these feelings were mine alone,

For he never noticed me at all,

I did all I could that any loving soul would

But he was busy ignoring me besides.

Gloomy I became and sad in pain,

Anger filled my inside,

My pure white manes where now turning grey

For the agony growing inside.

My limits were reached, ENOUGH! I screeched,

I shouted at him with all my might,

My thunders and lightning caught his attention

And I saw him astound for the first time.

With a cold gaze he gave me, he rejected me bluntly,

And I stood there blankly in fright.

I changed my form, and did everything for him alone,

And now he dejected me without a thought.

I wasted my life; I wanted to be his wife,

But he pushed me away without a sigh,

 I exploded in pain, and my tears flew as rain,

Till I became a memory in time.

MY MOM

I stood there alone in the centre of the crowd,

That indicted and howled at me so loud,

Helplessly I stood gawking at the ground,

Feeling more lonely than now it sounds,

Suddenly on me, I felt a warm touch,

I turned to see who loved me so much,

“MOM” I cried feeling an ease at heart,

And ran into her welcoming open arms,

I hugged her tight, closing my eyes,

Deafeningly, like a tot, I cried,

After a few, moment or so,

I lifted my head and nobody I saw,

Not a soul there with a negative vibe,

As if it never happened in my life,

I then looked into my mom’s eyes,

A godly grace I notice in them, this time,

I fell back into her warm loving hands,

‘I love you ma’, I whispered in her ears.

N.B-> HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MA!

Tell me Why?

Earth was born and life escorted

From microbes to humans we sprouted,

Jungles to cities and wild to mild,

We changed the world for us to survive,

What is in this that God disliked?

That He preferred to destroy and make us cry.

. He was the One, who made us Feeble,

But we survived and proved capable.

Through floods and fire, He shows His anger,

Accompanying it with a land that shivers,

With morning hearts and bleeding souls,

Loud and loud again His name we call.

Why aren’t our calls being heard?

Why isn’t He happy with us?

Shouldn’t He be happy that we survived?

With His creations we utilized.

Oh Dear Lord! Please do not kill us,

We are just your children who just need your Guidance.

Reliving a wonderful day

On a bed, I laid facing the walls,

With my baby, inside my belly, so small.

Recalling everything that happened that day,

And worrying if my baby being ok.

The pressure of my blood, rise with no control,

The reason why, exactly no one knows,

Drugs and shots showered like never before,

But my pressure kept increasing more and more.

Then that night, my doctor came to talk,

And told me “Honey, all’s not as we thought”,

I bet I was dead for a second or so,

“My baby…?” I asked, in a tone very low.

“Your baby is fine” ah…finally she said,

Music were, those words to my ears,

Then there was a “but” that followed,

That held my breath for a moment more.

“We need to take your baby out”,

“Already, a lot of time we’ve lost”.

Those words sent me to a state of fright,

Dreadful thoughts crept off my mind.

I wished my husband were there with me,

And my parents for once I wanted to see,

What if I didn’t make it through the moments to happen?

How will I tell them how much I love them?

With scissors and knives cutting through my belly,

I lay there staring at the lights above me.

Deaden and numb I felt my body,

And my head filled with thoughts eerie.

All I heard were those metal clinking sounds,

And suddenly I heard a sound that felt odd.

I soon realized it was my baby cry aloud,

Oh my GOD! My baby is now born!

I don’t remember anything from then on,

I was in my own new beautiful thoughts,

Of a life I were to live from then on,

As a mother of my little new born.

Once again reliving that wonderful day,

Simply lightens up my little face,

And make me gaze at my bundle of happiness,

To realize how precious she is to us.

nb-> my baby is now 9 mnths old.....

For You My Dear…….

The instant I acknowledged your existence in me,

I stood there astounded, smiling in glee

Droplets of tears rolled out from my eyes,

I don’t know why at that moment I cried.

Was it the happiness or love that I felt?

Or an emotion for which words would fall less,

Or a sensation about u being in me,

Beautiful was it, which ever the reason be.

Your father, who as well, stood there speechless,

Had a smile on his face and a look of excitement,

Though stronger than me, tears rolled off his eyes,

He too must have had the feelings as mine.

Punching and kicking you created a bond,

An attachment to describe was words beyond,

Our touch and stroke performed as to respond,

A beautiful connection had now been formed.

Time ticked off and bigger you grew,

Your punching and kicking was now stronger too,

The enliven and hearty movements you made,

Showed us how exiting was the feeling you had.

Darling, my dear, we love you so much,

Waiting for the day you will accompany us,

And win our hearts with that charismatic touch,

Eagerly waiting for you so much.

N.B-> This poems was written when i was pregnant. Reading this poem makes me wonder that this little princess of mine was the one who was all kicking in my belly some months ago.It is a speechless feeling.

Missing you so much my dear………

Love was mere an expression, until I met you,
It nurtured to an emotion, the more of you I knew,
Our union was something our planets decided,
But our hearts merged with our own desires.

Every moment with you, is a treasure I cherish,
An instant without you makes me feel I’ll perish,
But for the little one growing inside my womb,
I have to stay away, a little more long.

The sorrow and pain we endure being apart,
Is for the bliss and ecstasy that is to be our part,
But every second of this acute pain I bear,
I feel as a decade and more than I can stand.

I now long to be in your arms my dear,
And my hands were around you tighter than ever,
Our eyes closed and our heartbeats we hear,
Ah… to do so I have to wait for a little longer

Every teardrop that rolled off my eyes,
Every sigh that came out from my inside,
Reminds me how profoundly I am in love with you,
And how eternal our bond is now.

“Touchwood” to all who are astounded by these words,
Our bond should always remain indivisible,
Our unity and love is for perpetuity, I know my dear,
That will blossom always be it autumn or winter…

N.B->This poem is dedicated completely to my husband. Due to a personal reason, we have to stay away from each other for some months and i wanted him to know how much i miss him.......

God Decides…

A choice one makes has an intention behind,
Intentions spawn, for an aim in their minds,
These goals they set, are the dreams they see,
A dream, for them, more than anything can mean,
But the fact that people don’t accept,
Is that all dreams aren’t right except,
For the ones that is previously decided for them,
Are the ones that happen and are for their best

I as well, never accepted this fact,
I too fought for the desires I had,
But never did I achieve all my dreams,
Most of them weren’t even meant for me,
I dropped in dismay and shattered was I,
I recall the pain I had to go by,
Then suddenly as a sigh of relief,
I saw the decision God made for me,
I stood up and followed the decision He made,
And here I am now narrating my tale.

The decisions He took that was against my dream,
Now I would say, is the best verdict for me,
I now see more than just colours in life,
Life can’t be better than that of a wife,
A Career person was who I wanted to be,
But now career has fallen second to me,
My family is everything for me today,
Their love and care are more than just words convey,
So if you are going through any grief or dismay,
Don’t you just worry; there is happiness in your way.

The Perfect Night..............

Which words would better portray,
This enchantedly stunning night of May,
Thought as we lay down flat,
On the cold and damp beach sand.

Freezing wind running to and fro,
Seawater striking us so slow,
Billions of stars twinkling above,
A night thus perfect for two lover souls.

I glanced into my lover’s eyes,
He as well was sensing the spice inside,
A spark already had spawned by then,
I have no notion on how and when.

His hands slowly crawled over me,
The emotion I had was more than glee,
Shyness crept over my eyes,
To accolade it there was a smile.

Out of the blue I felt a disrupting quake,
And a voice shouting, “Oh my! We are late!”
I got up to spot what was it about,
And found it was only my dream after all.

My Journey In Life

Some compare life, to an ocean,
For others life is, a simple notion,
But life is a concept, I think as I walk,
That is wider, than any words can talk.

Seeing life, as a simple lane,
Helps me think, in a different way,
To fight the threats, sharper than knife,
And bare the wounds, as a part of my life.

Turning back, to the time that is gone,
I see the lane, I had walked on,
The entire lane, right from the start,
From the time, i came from God's heart.

I remember the time, when I was a child,
My parents always, stood by my side,
To guard me from miseries, those were on my way,
And make me more happy, by taking my pain.

Playing and laughing, I frolicked my way,
My parents and brother, was with me always,
But one day I saw, a man on my lane,
Waiting for me, some foot steps away.

The smile on his face, and love in his eyes,
Captured my heart, and made me his wife.
He held on my hand, and forward he went,
As a good wife, I followed him then.

My parents and brother, me and husband,
Together we covered, a longer distance.
And here I stand, turning behind,
To see how my journey, was till now in life….

When she was gone……

I was sleeping, when my uncle called,
It was three in the morning; he said she was gone,
I sat on my bed, in a state of shock,
I felt my heart, just had stopped.

I heard cries from all around,
But I couldn’t make, even a sound,
My eyes just then, caught a sight,
I saw a body lie outside,

Without a tear, there to shed,
And feeling all, blank in my head,
I walked lifelessly, away from my bed,
To the room, my grandmother was laid dead.

She was lying on the ground,
With others crying in her surround,
I stood simply staring at her,
Without even uttering a word.

I knew everyone was crying aloud,
But why couldn’t I, hear their sound,
Why wasn’t there a tear in my eyes?
The blankness, I felt, I now wonder why?

Suddenly a voice, behind me I heard,
Saying, never again can I see her,
Chills ran through me, I felt the pain,
I cried for days again and again.

N.B-> I would like to dedicate this poem of mine, to my dearest grandmother who passed away in the year 1999.

My Heart.......

My heart is small, as small as my fist,
Inside my heart, there is a long list,
Of people I love and memories I cherish,
From when I was born to the day I will perish.
People I love, start from mom dad and bro,
Husband, my love, and my cousins also,
My friends have a special place in my heart,
My GOD has been there in me, right from the start.
Uncles and aunts and my list just go on,
Is there an end, well, the answer is no.
Memories, to say I have tones of them too,
From where to get started, I don’t have a clue,
It starts from the time when I was just born,
Persisting till, from this world I am gone.
So many memories and people I love,
How do they manage to live in my heart?
What so ever be the reason you see,
I’m glad that they live in a heart that’s in me….